As for not smoking weed anymore, I don't know how to feel. At first it was really hard, then I wanted nothing to do with it. I'm really proud of myself, but at the same time it makes me sad. My life is literally nothing now. I don't have fun except at work, and that isn't really the fun I want to have. I rely on my dad and his girlfriend to entertain me most of the time, and right now they're out of state and I've done nothing but go to work (walking, although I have my own car in my driveway that I can't drive) and lay in bed, reading or playing Picross on my DS.
I feel like I have bettered my life, but I'm not the same. I don't have fun anymore, and I feel lame. I talked to Nick about this, and he told me that it's ok, because all he does is work and sleep as well. However, I've thought to myself that he's too work-oriented and doesn't have enough fun. Not that that makes me love him any less, but it's not how I want to be. And that's how I am. I know that smoking isn't what I should be doing all the time, but I really just want to have some good, illegal fun every now and then so that I know my life isn't completely boring. I know sober fun is good too, but there's nothing to do here. If I was in West Chester, it would be fine. There's nothing to do there, either, but at least I can pretty much do whatever I want.
I love my boyfriend more than anything, and there is nothing less that I would want to do than lose him. But I feel like having a boyfriend has domesticated me, and I don't know if I'm ready to be domestic.
I know that I am ready to focus on school and doing good things for myself, but it just feels so boring sometimes.
I think this has all stemmed from the fact that I gave up my vacation with Katie and Amanda to get promoted to projectionist at work. That isn't exactly how it happened, but that's how it worked out, and if it weren't for booth, I would be chillin on the beach with good friends until next Sunday. It kind of depressed me a bit, because I've barely been to the beach this summer and will only be there for three days now, instead of three weeks.
Nick is going with his friends on Wednesday and didn't even think to invite me, and when I tried to invite myself, the reason I can't go is basically because I can't drive myself there. It's not fucking fair!!! I can't spend time with Nick, who has pushed me to become a better person, but I can't spend time with any of my old friends because they'll be smoking and I can't. I'm just going crazy and I'm just pissed at everything.
I keep telling myself that once I get past a certain point, everything will be better because I'll have so many things to do, but those things seem to keep getting postponed or cancelled. All summer, all I have wanted to do is go back to school, but now that my summer is more than half over, I'm extremely upset that I haven't done all that much. This is quite possibly the lamest summer I've had in ages. I haven't even been to one ska show. For the first time four years. This is HORRIBLE.
My identity has been stolen from me and I want it back. NOW.
