=]

Right now, I love my life.

With or without Nick, I don't care. I like a boyyyyy....except he's a bit older than me. like 8 years...haha I don't even care. We had a really fun night and I'm kind of really hoping something comes of it.



In other news, there is a ladybug infestation in my room...hardcore. I got rid of 30-40 today and there are currently 14+ in my room at the moment.


What do we doooooo?


p.s. it is a BEAUUUUUUTIFUL day.

Finally!

So...it's the end of the summer. I go back to school in almost FIVE days. I am SO incredibly excited...mainly because I get to see my wonderful boyfriend on a daily basis. I counted today and realized that I have only seen him 8 times this entire summer. This fact alone made me completely miserable a lot of the time. I really hate being away from him.
However, I am really proud of us for making it through the summer, because there were lots of fights, obstacles, and inconveniences in the way of any time that we would spend together. If this relationship was set up to fail, I think we would have been done quite a while ago. But we're still together and totally happy. It will be our seven month anniversary in two weeks and I really couldn't be more ecstatic about any time we will spend together at school.

The best part of this summer was that yesterday was my birthday, and although there were a lot of shitty events, I ended up in West Chester at Starbucks. I got to see my baby on my birthday, and I think that is the best present that I could have possibly gotten. I was so so SO happy to see him.

I love Nick so much.



In other news, I got an awesome job at school for my sophomore year. I got an email a few weeks ago from English department faculty that mentioned that a member of the Computer Science department needed an editor for some technique papers. I emailed Dr. Jiang and we set up an interview. I was really nervous because I had to edit a nine page section of a paper and bring it to the interview. But guess what...he picked me! I'll be working up to 20 hours a week, making $10 an hour, and this is going to look FANTASTIC on my resume. I'm still a little nervous, because now it's almost like I'm taking 7 classes instead of 6. It's going to be a lot of work to handle, but Nick told me he would help me keep on track and I'm completely confident that he can help me through this.





Thank you, Nick. I love you.

Looking Back.

So I reread my goals today. I've managed to quit smoking (both weed and cigarettes) and distance myself from my closest friend in the process. I still haven't gotten my license. I've managed to save money, but the jealousy thing hasn't budged an inch.

As for not smoking weed anymore, I don't know how to feel. At first it was really hard, then I wanted nothing to do with it. I'm really proud of myself, but at the same time it makes me sad. My life is literally nothing now. I don't have fun except at work, and that isn't really the fun I want to have. I rely on my dad and his girlfriend to entertain me most of the time, and right now they're out of state and I've done nothing but go to work (walking, although I have my own car in my driveway that I can't drive) and lay in bed, reading or playing Picross on my DS.

I feel like I have bettered my life, but I'm not the same. I don't have fun anymore, and I feel lame. I talked to Nick about this, and he told me that it's ok, because all he does is work and sleep as well. However, I've thought to myself that he's too work-oriented and doesn't have enough fun. Not that that makes me love him any less, but it's not how I want to be. And that's how I am. I know that smoking isn't what I should be doing all the time, but I really just want to have some good, illegal fun every now and then so that I know my life isn't completely boring. I know sober fun is good too, but there's nothing to do here. If I was in West Chester, it would be fine. There's nothing to do there, either, but at least I can pretty much do whatever I want.

I love my boyfriend more than anything, and there is nothing less that I would want to do than lose him. But I feel like having a boyfriend has domesticated me, and I don't know if I'm ready to be domestic.

I know that I am ready to focus on school and doing good things for myself, but it just feels so boring sometimes.

I think this has all stemmed from the fact that I gave up my vacation with Katie and Amanda to get promoted to projectionist at work. That isn't exactly how it happened, but that's how it worked out, and if it weren't for booth, I would be chillin on the beach with good friends until next Sunday. It kind of depressed me a bit, because I've barely been to the beach this summer and will only be there for three days now, instead of three weeks.

Nick is going with his friends on Wednesday and didn't even think to invite me, and when I tried to invite myself, the reason I can't go is basically because I can't drive myself there. It's not fucking fair!!! I can't spend time with Nick, who has pushed me to become a better person, but I can't spend time with any of my old friends because they'll be smoking and I can't. I'm just going crazy and I'm just pissed at everything.

I keep telling myself that once I get past a certain point, everything will be better because I'll have so many things to do, but those things seem to keep getting postponed or cancelled. All summer, all I have wanted to do is go back to school, but now that my summer is more than half over, I'm extremely upset that I haven't done all that much. This is quite possibly the lamest summer I've had in ages. I haven't even been to one ska show. For the first time four years. This is HORRIBLE.

My identity has been stolen from me and I want it back. NOW.

Long Summer

So it's been almost a month since the last time I wrote anything. Summer kinda drags as of now. My goals are no closer to being achieved than they were a month ago. However, I am trying harder and now that my friend Dan is gone I'm sure the smoking problems will be a lot easier.
Sarah finally came home! And I was so happy...but she's really different and I don't know how to deal. She was the one person that could have kept me sane this entire summer without being in West Chester and now I don't know what's going to happen.
I went to my first baseball game last Wednesday (with Nick, his parents, and kids/families in his mom's 3rd grade class). Phillies, too! We lost, but I got a nifty green Phillies hat and I spent time with my amazing boyfriend, who I most likely won't be able to see for another three weeks to a month. His stupid summer class is keeping him so busy and it makes me really wish that I had my license. However, I may be going down to WC next weekend to visit Dan's apartment. If I go, I'll be sure to spend more time than necessary at Starbucks with my boy. Also, I scheduled my license test!! So hopefully I will have my license on July 3rd. Which would be awesome because then Nick is supposed to come see me on July 4th and 5th and I can drive him around =] I'm kind of scared to drive by myself, since I've been driving with my dad for 2 1/2 years. That's so weird to think about.

My mom and I most likely aren't speaking anymore. Well, she may try, but I think that, at least for now, I would prefer to not communicate with her. She took me to my cousin Josh's birthday party on Saturday and got trashed. I won't go into detail but let's just say she said some things about her sisters and even my dad (right in front of me) that I really didn't appreciate and then she got pissed when I asked her to take me home, so I had to have my dad come get me. Seriously, I'm tired of that bullshit. Dad said that I was 18 and if I didn't want to see her anymore that was fine with him. She texted me yesterday and said, "Hi honey i'm sorry about last night we're probably not a good combination when we're both kind of down i love you," and like, I'm glad she sent that because at least she realized that something was wrong, but I don't think she realized the extent of her drunkenness or the mean things she was saying about my dad or to me. Fuck it. I forwarded the text to my dad and explained why the text didn't change my feelings, and he said that he thought it would be best to acknowledge her apology and just let it go after that. So I told her I loved her and that was it. Nick thinks I'm going to want to talk to her later, because, after all, she is my mother, but honestly, if I could have stopped speaking to her years ago, I probably would have.

When I was at Nick's house last week, I stole one of his shirts but his smell is already starting to go away a little bit and it makes me sad. I honestly wish this summer was over. I don't think I've ever hated summer so much but when it keeps me away from where I'm happy, it really sucks. My job is a piece of shit and apparently my manager hates me? and nobody else will hire me. At least I'm making some money.

I think that once June is over, things will be a lot better.
My schedule for July/August is going to be so much better:
July 3:license
July 4:fucking my life
July 5:more life fucking
July 17-July 26-beach with Katie and Amanda
unknown date after July 26-August 1:beach with Nick and family!
August 4:Nick comes, 6 month anniversary
August 5:Nick leaves
unknown August dates:California with dad and Lisa?
August 22:birthday!!!
August 29:BACK TO WEST CHESTERRRRRRRRR

obviously, it's not a lot, but compared to what I'm doing now, it sounds so much better. Come on June, I know you just started, but be over NOW!!!!

2 months.

So it's been a little while since my last post, but I've been really busy what with finishing my freshman year and all that fun stuff.

That's right, my first year of college is over! I can't believe it moved so quickly. I've realized that I may have actually learned quite a bit. Not necessarily in class, but about myself, about life, about love, about friendship.

I also have a few goals to fulfill by the end of the summer:

• Quit smoking- I should never have started (damn Ramsey Hall's smoking krew and being introduced to them) though I made a ton of friends from it. However, it's a bad habit and I'm really working on it. Nick promises to help me and that's all I could ask for.
• Less ganja- This one is going to be a toughy, most likely more difficult than trying to rid myself of the nicotine. NOT because it's addictive (because it's not) but because I feel more confident about not smoking cigarettes at home because I didn't until recently (really awkward sentence, by the way). However, smoking weed passes the time when there's nothing to do in A-town. Nick doesn't want me to quit, just not smoke every single day, but I really want to stop after this summer. I'm starting to feel like such a loser when I smoke and I often feel guilty as well.
• Get license- Really?? Come on now, I'm eighteen. If I don't get my license sometime this summer, my soul might just die.
  
• New job- This goes for Allentown as well as West Chester. As much as I would LOVE to continue to be part of the AMC staff (gag), I would much rather work somewhere else.
  
• Try harder- This year, college showed me that I can't get by like I did in high school. Not that I'm failing now, but I used to think I was pretty smart. After these past two semesters, I feel really stupid (not going to lie: I think this has to do with preferring to smoke weed and skip class more than anything else). Nick is also going to help me with this one. He's so obsessed with doing well, maybe it will help my motivation once I can get a fresh start.
• Save money- Cash has always burned a hole in my pocket, and the debit card isn't doing much better. I want to be able to help pay for school and have a little extra money when I actually need it. I don't know how well I'll accomplish this, but I'm really going to try.
• End jealousy- I get crazy jealous of all the pretty girls that Nick is friends with. This ends up hurting both of us, and it's one of the only major problems we have. As corny as this may sound, I have at least one website on handling jealousy saved in my bookmarks, and I read it whenever I start feeling envious. It helps a little bit, and now that my amazing boyfriend has said the precious "L" word, I feel a lot more confident about myself and I'm more comfortable that our relationship is stable.

Obviously, I have a lot of things to accomplish. Most of these stem from Nick, but I swear I'm not trying to change entirely for him. Not only do I really want to make him happy, but also, most of these goals are things that I subconsciously wanted to work on anyways. Nick just brings out the hopeful and future-oriented young woman in me and I really want to be the best that I can be. He really is the best thing that has happened to me.

Honestly, this is the first real boyfriend I've ever had and the experience is almost completely new to me. We haven't even been together three months (at least, not until tomorrow) and I already feel like he knows everything about me that there is to know. This summer without him always around is going to be really difficult, but I know that we can do it if we both want this relationship to work out (which I'm confident that he wants it as much as I). Though he is busy a lot this summer, he's trying to work out times to visit me as much as he can. If I get my license, we can probably see each other a little more and I can come see him instead.

I would really love for this to work out, because, for the first time in my life, I truly love someone.

Life is Good.

So, I am currently really happy with life.
This has (mainly) to do with the most amazing boy I have ever met. The relationship, no matter what bad or terrible things happened (that I did) or our (my) feelings towards each other (him) in the beginning, is fantastic. Nick is the only guy that kept my interest for this long (while I was actually in a relationship) and I am confident that he is going to be holding my interest for a very long time.

However, Spring Break is lasting much too long and I can't wait to get back to school on Sunday so I can see him. I don't know how people with boyfriends at home do it during the school year. I get to see my Nicholas every single day =]

Why else am I happy?
Why, I renewed my driver's permit. Miss Devan should have her license by summer. Not to mention, my dad's girlfriend is quite possibly the coolest person I have ever met, and yesterday she bought me a Chi.

For those of you who have absolutely no idea what that is, Chis are the most amazing hair straighteners known to woman.

It's also gradually getting warmer outside and I love it.

Dad gave me a vase of change and upon using a Coinstar, I discovered that I was 80 dollars richer, along with the 40 bucks that his girlfriend [Lisa] gave to me.

I'm breaking my nicotine addiction! (Although this weekend is going to be difficult...which leads me to my next point:)

I'm going to Ocean City this weekend with Yvonne and Kevin and a bunch of people I don't know. I have lots of money to spend, we will have lots of booze to drink, and apparently Kevin's brother has the best weed ever. It's going to be fanfuckingtastic.

This will be followed by going back to school to be with my baby<3

[I might be falling in love...]

This is Some Intense Shit.

So I was sitting outside, smoking a cigarette, and thinking about sex.

Interesting intro, correct? Well that's exactly what I was doing about 10 minutes ago.
I started thinking about what the moral interests of our blossoming relationship might be.
Then I thought about what mine are. This idea was followed by another, "What would god think?"
This thought was initially thrown away. I told myself, "Fuck god," Then instantly I had another feeling. A weird instinct I should have felt my entire life, "What if, every time I thought about god (in my atheistic mood, anyways. I doubt real religious people are only thinking about that dude when they need an answer.) he was trying to speak to me and guide me?"

I stopped.

I sat in amazement for quite a while. What if that was the truth. Your happy little non-believer actually believed, for a few minutes anyways. I automatically called Sarah and preceded to pass my thoughts her way.
That voicemail was probably reaaaaally confusing.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just really really creeped out by the idea. I think it's going to stick in my head for a long time.